Life's a Roller Coaster (or is it?)

Roller Coasters.....the ups, the downs, the turns, the tunnels - some anticipated, some unanticipated - the anxiety, and the fun....except, when the 'ride' isn't at an amusement park, it's at 'home'.  Many deal with the 'roller coasters' of everyday life with such ease - the ups just float above and the downs are so well taken. I admire those individuals.  


I found myself 'fighting' with either the roller coaster Driver or the roller coaster Track this week. Whichever, I didn't like how my 'roller coaster' life was going and I found myself using all of my energy trying to 'halt' what was completely out of my control. Why? I didn't simply let myself accept my life. I was fighting against accepting that the roller coaster was too big for me to move myself, and too heavy to set it on a new course.  


Life is like a roller coaster...we've all heard it before. But with the willingness to accept sadness, grief, difficulties, loss, the unknown, the 'roller coaster' suddenly transforms into a 'train'.  The life ride that was so uncertain, filled with fear and tears, has the ability to become a ride that is slower and calmer, a ride that sways rather than scares...roller coasters can turn into trains.


We have the power to make this change - to turn the roller coaster into a train - by practicing acceptance.  While life most definitely will remain a 'roller coaster', we can 'take the train' route. When we accept that there will be ups and downs, it becomes a decision to live the uneasy life, always riding on the edge, or to live the calmer life, acknowledging the ups and downs. Acceptance and acknowledgment remove unnecessary life anxieties. Life is life and many situations are out of our control - but without worry and fear we are able to truly live. 


My choice - to accept cancer happens and chemo follows. I choose to accept that I can not control cancer or chemo or the good and bad days that result. And I choose to accept that everyday is a new day and that each may not be easy - easy emotionally or easy physically.


The power of acceptance offers us all this same choice - to ride the Roller Coaster or take the Train. 

Daily goals offer opportunities for Daily Success

Did you set a goal today? A mini goal - nothing big, nothing too hard, not a 'goal of the world'...an achievable goal. Why not? 


Today seems to be a life of big, better, best....always. A life of more, faster, now....always. No matter what, the world today instills 'dream big', rather than, 'dream to achieve'. We are constantly set up for failure - and we set ourselves up for making it almost perfect, just a second too late, not quite good enough. Why work towards disappointment?


Perhaps we are trying to do too much? Be too much? Own too much? Hard to confess too - especially today - in a world where the standards are set miles above the clouds.  Perhaps we need to be reminded of *simplicity*. When life was *simpler*, did it go wrong? - No.  So what caused the change from *simple* to go, go, go? To be, be, be? To do, do, do? .... we did.


This week I too found myself 'stuck' in this cyclic bout of sadness.  Why wasn't I smiling enough? Laughing enough? Controlling my emotions enough? Yesterday I realized how sad I had made myself.  I know I smile everyday, and have been recently laughing more than I have in years. But I came down on myself for crying.  Crying? What's wrong with crying? 


Reflecting today, I realized that I was being too hard on myself. Crying is fine. Crying is extra fine during the ups and downs of cancer and chemo.  Rather than letting myself really cry, I held back because 'if I cried then it would alter my healing'....what the heck was I thinking? Crying is natural. And cancer is scary, chemo is difficult and it is my Dad with two types of cancer. Not to mention how much my migraine was pounding.


Dad reminded me yesterday about the little things that are often overlooked. I had become caught up in fear. Fear about my healing just because of a little set back - one bad migraine.  And without knowing it, I let my fear spiral and my energy was spent in anxiety rather than in living and without knowing it chemo scared me more than ever.  


Thanks for the chat Dad - today I'm back on track and setting daily goals. Goals that I can achieve without being swept up in the world of the 'unachievable' or the world of 'perfect'. Goals add self-esteem, self-worth, and a sense of satisfaction, especially in world of healing.  They slow the world down, even for a second, to help be in the moment.  And the best part - fear doesn't exist in the moment. 


Have you set a goal today?  

It's MY life, I can cry if I want to!

Today I wanted to cry. So I did. And I'm ok with it - even as a 29-year old. Life happens and emotions result, but for some reason, we are taught not to show certain emotions. Today, as a 29-year old, I cried and cried. I cried because cancer doesn't go away. I hold strong hope, remain positive and truly, truly believe that cancer heals, but the fear of the unknown doesn't go away. It is there when I wake, follows me through the day and accompanies me, along with special prayers, back to bed at night. Today, I accepted that as a 29-year old, I can be scared to death. It's ok. And so I cried. And cried. And cried. And cried.

And then, all of a sudden everything turned positive. My fear had turned to tears and without choice overflowed. But reflecting back, it was a good thing. Emotions happen just as life happens. And emotion -  fear, scare, anger, anxiety, happiness, cheer - are all ok. The healthiest part, is that I've learned through my struggles, that the more you hold back, the more backed up emotion becomes. I have experienced such back-up and suppression that I became slave to my own emotion. Not healthy.

It's my life, I can cry if I want to! So today I cried my eyes out. And I cried until I felt better. Might sound silly, or seem immature, may be interpreted as childish, but for me crying today was therapeutic. I cried all of my fear, anger and sadness away. The result, a carefree, happy me, living again. And it feels so GOOD!

Why judge emotions? God's tears make rainbows - of which are both so beautiful. So let loose, and then honor the joys life has to offer.

Best Friends Create the Power to Heal

Who is your Best Friend? Think deep. Who can you always rely on? Who is always there for you, through sunny days and mud slides, through laughs, tears, fear, worry, true happiness? The one that shares your hopes and dreams and challenges you everyday? Who is your Best Friend?....

Many are quick to think a favorite girlfriend, a spouse, even their Soul Mate. But going deeper, would these relationships exist if you were not your own Best Friend first? The power of self-belief, self-esteem, self-worth is priceless. And realizing, seeing, understanding your inner self is the key to all relations. For how can you offer yourself to others if inside you are not 'worthy'?

And once this idea is captured, it's power is limitless. The Self has no boundaries, no borders, no stop signs. Once the Self is released, a new 'person' is born. Confidence has a new meaning. Not pride. Confidence. Knowing that no matter what, you can get through. And that no matter what you have all of the tools to live, to be, to survive, to master yourself, to master your life.

Would you ever leave your best friend's bedside during terminal illness? - No. Be that Best Friend to yourself. The Self has incredible healing powers - all just waiting to be trusted. Have faith and take a leap; let go. You'll find the Self has amazing offerings. Believing in yourself alone opens doors for healing and growth.

Trust yourself. Be your own Best Friend. Accept all hope and inspiration from within. Create your own power to heal.

Be a survivor

My Dad is my Super Dad. He is living through both brain cancer and colon cancer...isn't one cancer enough? Through the past 4 years I have learned more from my Dad than ever. Most of all, I learned the importance of a strong soul and that positive pays off. I read these few bits and pieces from a couple of articles today and don't think the thoughts could be better said.

Life is both magic and tragic. We all have to face loss, failure, and disappointment sometimes. People who are optimistic find a way to recover. They develop resilience. Life is a series of recoveries. 

Dad you are my inspiration everyday. I've seen proof that smiling more, believing in the 'unbelievable' and looking forward to miracles not only strengthens daily life, but it gives hope to everyone you touch. You are so much more than a 'survivor' to me - you're my Super Dad. I look forward to everyday and the lessons I'm going to learn from you. I hope this collection of words give hope, faith, and a smile to everyone 'recovering' from any of life's twists and turns.


Most of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Dad! I love you.

Fear Hurts

Fear - more than scare, than uncertainty, more than fright. Yesterday, out of occasion, I had the opportunity to have a 'life talk' with a new doctor I'd never met with. After the tears and laughs about my past 4 years (and after his several remarks to be sure I wasn't on a TV show, or out of a movie!) he caught me quite off guard. He asked me "What are you scared of?".

I couldn't answer. I couldn't believe I couldn't answer. So, he asked again, "What is it that you are scared of?" I had no answer other than "I'm scared of everything". Not a satisfactory answer.

The Doctor asked again, "What is it that you are scared of?" After several deep breaths it came to me. I'm scared that I've lost hope. Correcting myself, "I'm scared that I am 'missing' hope". Somewhere living through suicide, death, cancer, homicide, marriage and now more cancer....I am scared to trust. How do you fill your life with Hope when Trust has fallen again and again and now it almost seems out of reach? I am scared to live because I know Trust can crumble at any second.

The Doctor knew by looking in my eyes, I was healthy; I was just so filled with Fear.

Often times 'fear' is thrown around as a move genre, a joke, a game - but true Fear is none of that. True Fear hurts. Thank you Doctor for the 'life talk'. I learned more yesterday about myself and about my health than the reason I had gone to office in the first place. And I was also reminded, "It is what it is". So now my task, to practice acceptance and trusting the moment. Every second alone is filled with 100% Hope.

Don't look back, don't look forward....BE now.

Recycle to cure cancer

Why not recycle to help save lives? To help cancer research? To help cure ALL cancer patients?  Cans for Cancer does just this....weekly gather cans, glass, and plastics from curbside in our neighborhood. So easy and for such a great cause! Please visit the link to learn more about how you too can participate in recycling for research, for cures. The organization offers assistance at the workplace as well.

Thanks Cans for Cancer - You've built community around social responsibility and most of all help families in need.

http://cansforcancer.org/

Cancer hurts, but we all have the inner strength to aid the wounds

This is a poem I wrote while sitting in the hospital waiting room during my Dad's most recent emergency cancer surgery. Hospitals are difficult, after being on both sides, I think the hardest part is for the 'waiter'. Family is much more than a 'role' - it the strength when your loved one is struggling to hold onto strength. Family are those who are there for you. Blood ties do not matter in hospital waiting rooms.....we all hold on tight to each other and gather strength for those who need it most.


Poem poetry writing words;
emotion anger hurt hate.
Let go.
Let go.

Rip tear shred burn;
lose emotion anger hurt hate.
Be free.
Be free.

Poem poetry writing words;
emotion calm happy real.
Live on.
Live on.

I'm not going to pretend - Hospital waiting rooms are anything but easy. They are not silent, calm, serene......rather filled with overwhelming emotion of every sort. Perhaps silent, but in scare. This poem describes my therapy to write my feelings, to assist in tending to the heavy air and long sit waiting for the surgeon to say Dad has amazing strength and is going to be ok.  Ok. Ok. Ok.

And now to call on my own strength to rip and burn my scare and move forward. To be. To live. To care for Self to best care for others. I send blessings to anyone in need of a bit of hope, an extra prayer, and a hug.

The Power of a Nap

The below article is right on.... especially since I too am a 'napper'!! Naps are not solely for babies, kids, dogs, the elderly....EVERYONE is entitled to a nap. Give your body a break - a chance to keep up with life! And accept the enjoyment of a nap. In sickness or in health, YOU deserve it!

There is new information out of the University of California at Berkley that indicates that napping during the day boosts cognitive power. I like this! I am a napper. I don’t always get the opportunity for a short afternoon nap, but when I need it I take it. It might just be a few minutes before dinner or an evening class but it helps. When we go through chemotherapy or radiation one of the most distressing side effects is fatigue. Usually I worked in the morning and then went to Chemotherapy in the afternoon, returning to work the next day. This resulted in only a half day off from work. After a couple of months I would take the day after chemo off as I began to feel thecumulative effects of months of treatment. That would give me the whole day to rest.

I then learned that if I could get a nap in during the day when I was working I could sail through the day much easier. Problem is, most people don’t get the opportunity or have a place where they can get a nap in. I had an office so I could put my head on my desk and close my eyes which resulted in a 15 minute nap. It really did help. On warm days, I was not above napping in my car during lunch hour. It’s still a good idea.

I no longer need naps to get through breast cancer, but I don’t rule them out during stressful times. I started out with breast cancer treatment thinking I was a superhuman but soon learned that I am only human. Naps are a good thing and now we have the science to back them up.

Kathy-Ellen

February 22, 2010

Breast Cancer and the Power of Napping

www.everydayhealth.com

Why?

I learned this week to just not ask.  My great friend, mentor, aunt showed me how unnecessary it is to ask 'why'. 'Why' complicates just about everything. She taught me to 'be', to'accept', to move forward because 'why' didn't matter. Cancer doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care who it hurts, who is effected, or what lives it breaks. So, why ask 'why'?  There is no answer. It just is. And so I'm spending all of what could be my 'why energy' instead as hopeful energy. Not only is this approach healthier for me, but it brings such incredible positive energy to those who are fighting the cancer. Dad, I'm still keeping my promise to you. And when I find my mind wandering, I bring myself back to positive thoughts.

Nicky, you're the best. Thank you for all you have taught me. I am so lucky to have your in my life. I love you.

Sunny Days

I used to live easy,
I was, I did, all
thought-free.

I used to live easy,
I played, I laughed, all
thought-free.

But one day
the sun did not shine.
I could not see,
I could not be,
I could not live.

Tears, tears, tears
Scared, scared, scared
Tears, tears, tears.
Cancer hurts
everyone involved.

And then one day
the sun came out.
I saw a new day
and the lessons I learned in the dark.

Now I live easy
I play, I laugh, all
with thought and awareness
of hope, of health, of love.

Now I live easy
I am, I be, all
with thought and awareness
of hope, of health, of love.

And now I understand what it is to live.

Cancer Sucks

Bottom line - cancer sucks, sucks, sucks.  I share a prayer with anyone suffering any cancer and send a special healthy blessing to those diagnosed with brain cancer and colon cancer.  Dad is my inspiration to 'not think' this weekend.  And Dad, I am keeping my promise, no worrying yet or to come.  Wednesday is going to be a day to courage, strength and conquer for you, Mom and me. And I'm sending these affirmations to Dave too. 

Mad = Happy that is hurting

I Hate, Hate, Hate....and my pillows still seek love and comfort.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.  ~Buddha