Fear Hurts

Fear - more than scare, than uncertainty, more than fright. Yesterday, out of occasion, I had the opportunity to have a 'life talk' with a new doctor I'd never met with. After the tears and laughs about my past 4 years (and after his several remarks to be sure I wasn't on a TV show, or out of a movie!) he caught me quite off guard. He asked me "What are you scared of?".

I couldn't answer. I couldn't believe I couldn't answer. So, he asked again, "What is it that you are scared of?" I had no answer other than "I'm scared of everything". Not a satisfactory answer.

The Doctor asked again, "What is it that you are scared of?" After several deep breaths it came to me. I'm scared that I've lost hope. Correcting myself, "I'm scared that I am 'missing' hope". Somewhere living through suicide, death, cancer, homicide, marriage and now more cancer....I am scared to trust. How do you fill your life with Hope when Trust has fallen again and again and now it almost seems out of reach? I am scared to live because I know Trust can crumble at any second.

The Doctor knew by looking in my eyes, I was healthy; I was just so filled with Fear.

Often times 'fear' is thrown around as a move genre, a joke, a game - but true Fear is none of that. True Fear hurts. Thank you Doctor for the 'life talk'. I learned more yesterday about myself and about my health than the reason I had gone to office in the first place. And I was also reminded, "It is what it is". So now my task, to practice acceptance and trusting the moment. Every second alone is filled with 100% Hope.

Don't look back, don't look forward....BE now.